Applying for Opportunities is Thrilling, Heartbreaking, & Overwhelming All At Once ✨
my thoughts on bureaucracy, checking boxes, & self-advocacy - welcome back to The Slush Pile!
I know I say this every time but I can’t believe we’re on Issue 24 now and still thriving, with a little over 250 subscribers to boot! This month, I’ve thought a lot about the energy I’ve been putting into the world and what it gives back in return. Since the last time I wrote y’all, I’ve worked on and/or sent in applications more times than I think I have all year: opportunities to write and be published, to teach; to perform, to vend my wares; applications to writing groups and graduate programs; asks to conduct interviews with some of today’s most exciting authors.
Sometimes I stumble across these opportunities online. Sometimes they’re forwarded to me or sometimes a specific person even reaches out because of my energy or what I’ve done and accomplished. Sometimes I carve spaces out for myself and hope for the best. In any case, I ask and ask and ask again when I’m done waiting for good things to find me, when I want to take things into my hands to further my career. I’ve been surprised (but mostly lucky) that this past month has been almost all yes’s, by the fact of how powerful and even easy it can be to put yourself out there when there are no expectations of what you’ll receive back.
But the road to get there, I’ve long since learned, can be hard. It certainly can be thrilling (and has been) because of the possibilities, the potential of both yourself and what lies ahead. But there are also certain moments when it feels discouraging, exhausting, soul-crushing, overwhelming, and heartbreaking, all before you even get a reply. Because the truth that probably keeps us up at night, that makes us hesitate or scrap it altogether before we hit “send” is that there will always be more people than there are opportunities, and a rejection (or worse, no reply at all) will always be more probable than an acceptance. How do we navigate that fear? How do we forge ahead anyway?
I’ve been professionally submitting and publishing my work since I was fifteen and nine years later, I’ve found that it doesn’t really get any easier. I still feel those same fears, harbor the same insecurities and uncertainties I did when I was a teenager. The only thing that’s changed is I’ve learned how to manage and navigate those feelings better, not to mention I apply to a wider, more expansive pool of opportunities. I don’t know when it happened but in many ways, I’m no longer satisfied with just publishing my work. All of a sudden, I’m hungry for opportunities to teach and share knowledge in a variety of settings. I want to attend readings virtually and in-person to perform. I want to attend events as a vendor to sell my books or handcrafts. I want to meet cool people and talk and be inspired by their own creativity.
I’m more excited than ever about putting myself out there in those ways and that excitement, I’ve found, often overshadows any feelings of doubt. And people respond well to that energy, can sense your passion and read your joy as confidence even in an email, and I’ve found this to be true being on the other end too. Opportunities to be in community bring out the best in me and make me actually want to throw my hat in the ring and send in that application. Yes, they can be scary to broach too but to me, they’re more approachable, more open, more willing to let in the masses. Most of this has to do with the fact that filling out a Google Form is just fun but it’s the people behind them who make the possibility more thrilling than frightening.
But there are certain spaces where that excitement, joy, etc. doesn’t help. Where the opposite feels like it’s happening and you feel like you’re on the defensive, like you’re begging, like you have to prove that you belong or fit or are deserving. I’ve found this to be true in big prestigious spaces. Think academia, colleges, contests, large organizations and companies and Big 5 publishing, where applications feel like a death sentence. Like the longest road to walk down. The bureaucracy of it all, the inhumanity where you’re asked to split yourself into boxes and squash everything about you as a human being into a word-count essay or resume or short answer questions. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of being yet another name in the stack. I’m sick of waiting for six months to hear back only to receive a form rejection letter (can y’all tell that I’m applying for grad school again lol).
Deep down, I know that bureaucracy is designed to last, to break us so that only the most dedicated people enter the race. That if we were to spend our lives fully getting to know every applicant for every opportunity we’d never get anything done. But I feel like there’s a better system than this. That if we would only live by community-centered values, radical things would take place. I don’t want to squash or censor or carefully present myself in a certain way anymore just to be wanted. For now, I’ll take that with me every time I walk into a room no matter how relaxed or prestigious. The world is ready to hear my voice and more importantly, I’m excited to share it.
notes from the writer’s desk ✍️
my favorite recently pub’d pieces:
Dani Trujillo’s Debut Novel Centers Indigenous Mexican Romance, HipLatina
14 New Books by Latinx Authors to Read for Latinx Heritage Month, HipLatina
Why the Music 'The Summer I Turned Pretty' Works So Well, Unpublished Magazine
Q+A With Marisa Tirado, Author of ‘Selena Didn’t Speak Spanish Either, Latina Media
updates:
If you haven’t seen it on social media, I’m so excited to announce the upcoming publication of my debut children’s book!! The book will spotlight past and present queer heroes from Latin America and the U.S. and is forthcoming from Jessica Kingsley Publishers. More info and details to come soon! In the meantime, please read this thread I wrote about the project.
The audiobooks for my self-published poetry chapbooks STREAMING SERVICE: golden shovels made for tv and STREAMING SERVICE: season two are OUT NOW! Experience my work on a different channel on Google Play now, with more retailers and platforms to come soon. If you still need your digital and/or signed physical copies, order from my shop site today! Thank you as always for your support :’)
Since January, I’ve been hosting creativity café, an ig live series where i feature, create space, and hold conversation with writers I love and that you should too! The twenty-second episode will premiere TODAY August 15th and feature special guest writer Joe Hughes III so head to my Instagram to watch it then. See you there!
resources:
Looking for book recommendations? Check out my Bookstagram and TikTok to keep up with what I’m reading and loving right now! On TikTok, you’ll also get more snippets of my everyday writing life and lifestyle/fashion content. See you there!
other stories i’m loving 📖
currently reading:
Black & Latinx Poetry Project
currently watching:
Ugly Betty, S1
currently listening to:
“lacy” by Olivia Rodrigo
all my love,
sofía xx
“Deep down, I know that bureaucracy is designed to last, to break us so that only the most dedicated people enter the race.”
This was so lovely to read. As someone who worked in a densely bureaucratic but prestigious organization, I struggled with the rejections I faced as I tried to make upward or even lateral moves (I was not a writer but an admin assistant and an idealist). It did end up breaking me in a way, because after 5 years , I quit. Funny enough I dreamt about this place a few days ago , and I don’t know why but I hypothesize that the small part of me that idealized this place , lingers subconsciously, although IRL I would not go back.
Thank you for this piece.