How to Forgive Yourself After Not Writing for Months 📝✨

my thoughts on productivity, joy, & self-grace - welcome back to The Slush Pile!

Issue 33 of The Slush Pile may be a tad late but I hope you forgive me for the delay at the same time that I’m learning to forgive myself for not writing for months. Yup, you read that right, y’all - months. There a myriad of excuses that have been circulating around in my head during that time for why I can’t write, namely all the demands of school, work, puppy care, and vendor markets. For a whole month, I found my days busy with research papers I needed to write, articles I had to meet the deadline for, a dog who still needs me, opportunities to make my work available for purchase so I could pay off adult bills. I found myself too exhausted and creatively drained in the break times to even consider writing for myself, to stare at yet another screen and push something beautiful or valuable out of me.

But most of all, I found myself overwhelmed with shame. I’m a huge proponent of the idea that if you write, you’re a writer. But what if you’re not writing? What if you don’t make time or the hours in the day just don’t work out? What if you’d rather go to sleep and try again the next day than push through the exhaustion and write something new? Are you still a writer then? And even more so, do you have any right to be jealous of those who are writing and even getting their writing published? As I’ve tried to sort through these questions, I did end up writing four poems last week, which filled me with more relief and joy than you could ever imagine. But it hasn’t shaken off the ghost of the guilt for not dedicating the time to my craft that it needs, even if my excuses are valid. Bit by bit, I’m learning to forgive myself and forge a healthier relationship with my words.

Photo: Literary Hub

I know that there are very specific, obvious reasons that I’m feeling this way. The role that capitalism plays in my everyday life cannot be understated, affecting not only my buying choices but also how I think about my creative practice. We’re taught from a young age that it’s only by being productive that we can be valuable to the society that molded us. Only by turning our creative interests into profit sources can we and our talents be worth something. Because if we’re not constantly creating, what contributions could we possibly be making, right?

Bit by bit, I’m learning how to undo and unwire this thinking. I’m past the point of believing I need to write every day because after all, I’m not an old white man who can afford house help, to spend each day lost in worlds of his own making. I’ve come to terms with the idea that I need to shop and feed for myself, to clean my own space, to take on responsibilities that maybe I’d rather pass on to someone else but that I take pride in because I’m doing them for and by myself. But as the amount of time that I’ve dedicated to my creative writing has dwindled and stopped altogether, I can’t help but feel inadequate. Sure, it doesn’t have to be every day but if I haven’t written for weeks, surely something is wrong, no?

I think another part of it too is the jealousy I feel when I see my colleagues getting published. Whether it’s a publication in a literary journal or a book deal, whether I even know the person or not, it’s another gut-wrenching kick to the stomach that whatever I’ve been doing — or not doing — for the past few months is not enough. On top of that, I get angry at myself for being envious of what is supposed to be an incredible accomplishment, for making it about me, for not appreciating the circumstances that have prevented me from sitting down and writing seriously, and for not doing something about it.

That’s why I believe that self-forgiveness is so important. As we’ve seen, my guilt and shame are complicated, derived from all these different sources and for all these different reasons, not only about this one thing. But I can’t and don’t want to wallow in this forever. In order to move on, I have to accept all of these truths: that there are legitimate reasons that I haven’t been able to write, that I don’t have to write if I don’t want to, that I have to step up and do something instead of blaming other people, that I should write things that make me excited, that writing brings me more joy and mental peace than everything else. As contradictory as they seem, all of these things have to work together in order for me to write without shame. I never want my craft to feel compulsory. I don’t want it to feel like a drag. I don’t want to make it feel like a job that I do every day whether I want to or not.

One day, I would love the opportunity to survive solely on my writing. I want to use phrases like “sending this pitch to my publisher” and “gearing up for book 2” and “going on my book tour soon.” I would love for writing to be my whole life. But I have to accept that thanks to things like my work needs, my living arrangements, and the economy (lol), it’s not possible right now and that I need to do more work to get there. Right now, it’s okay if I take breaks from writing to live my life. After all, what could be a more inspiring reason to write than my own life?

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notes from the writer’s desk ✍️

• my favorite recently pub’d pieces:

  • Saki Tanaka’s Debut Children’s Book Celebrates Mixed-Heritage & Friendship, HipLatina

  • Mexican American Therapist Cynthia Perez Talks Decolonizing Mental Health for BIPOC, HipLatina

  • 16 Books by Asian Latinx Authors to Read for AAPI Heritage Month, HipLatina

• updates:

  • I’m thrilled to finally share that this September, I’ll be giving my first talk on the TEDx stage in Huntington Beach!! I literally can’t wait for September 28th to speak about diversity, representation, and written storytelling. If you’re interested, please join the waitlist to attend the event in person - see you there!

  • I’m so excited to announce the upcoming publication of my debut children’s book!! The book will spotlight past and present queer heroes from Latin America and the U.S. and is forthcoming from Jessica Kingsley Publishers. More info and details to come soon! In the meantime, please read this thread I wrote about the project.

• resources:

  • Looking for book recommendations? Check out my Bookstagram and TikTok to keep up with what I’m reading and loving right now! On TikTok, you’ll also get more snippets of my everyday writing life and lifestyle/fashion content. See you there!

other stories i’m loving 📖

• currently reading:

  • She is a Haunting by Trang Thanh Tran

• currently watching:

  • Bob’s Burgers S8

• currently listening to:

  • “Please Please Please'“ by Sabrina Carpenter

all my love,

sofía xx