I Don't Want to be Scared of Changing Seasons Anymore 🍂✨
my thoughts on change and the new year - welcome back to The Slush Pile!
For the last newsletter issue of the year, I usually like to share my resolutions and intentions for the following year and wrap up my accomplishments from the past twelve months into a neat little post for socials. But I’ll be honest y’all - this year, Issue 40 finds me exhausted. I couldn’t be bothered to keep up with statistics about my 2024 publications, nor do I really have the time given the long holiday hours I’ll be working at the library where I’m currently employed. I’m happy and healthy; I’m looking forward to hosting exciting events and workshops in the new year; I’m excited about the publication of my debut children’s picture book in September and what possibilities will come from me submitting more work to magazines and opportunities. But I’m still in hibernation mode and want to take every moment of rest that I can.
So for the last newsletter issue of the year (which is a bit late - sorry about that y’all!), I wanted to focus on just one intention I want to set for 2025 - to be less afraid of change.
I’m highly selective about what personal details about my life I share online but more and more, I’ve been opening up about my mental health. I started going to therapy in August a few days before my 25th birthday, which was a huge win for me, and was diagnosed with a behavioral disability known as adjustment disorder, as well as anxiety. This basically means that I have extreme emotional reactions to changes in life, like crying spells, high levels of stress, and overall self-harmful practices. I believe that I’ve had it for most of my life but it resurfaced when I got my new job at the library in July and it only got worse when my partner went to study abroad for school for three months. It was difficult for me to feel happy most days and while I was mostly functional, the emotional toll felt almost insurmountable.
Thankfully, with the help of my therapist, I’ve been able to manage my disorder better and now have a variety of tools under my belt to self-regulate, identify and name my emotions, recognize harmful thoughts and patterns of behavior, and clearly communicate what I need from myself and others, among other things. And while I do believe I’ve made a lot of progress in just a few months, I shared with my therapist in our most recent session that I was terrified of what would happen the next time a major change took place in my life. What if I really can’t handle it this time? What if I fall apart as easily as if I never went to therapy? What if it takes just one little change to be the end of me, and everything feels out of control?
Our discussion after that made me feel a lot more secure in my positive progress but obviously, it still weighs on my mind a little bit. I think about how I get scared seeing brown leaves on my plants when I water because I naturally assume they’re dying, or at the very least, need nourishment. How it feels like a heavy stone drops in my stomach every time I hear that someone I know is moving or has reached a major life milestone, even if it doesn’t directly impact me. How I’m constantly worrying what I’ll do if x or y or z happens, even if it’s theoretically a good thing. Can even too much of a good thing overwhelm me?
I want to make space for these feelings without shame and let them linger in the air before recognizing that they’re based on loose foundation. But I also know that change is inevitable and I can only manage myself better if I’m less afraid of it. And I don’t want to be so scared anymore. I want to recognize change as possibility and potential, not world-ending, life-shattering events. Because as my partner has told me time and time again, just because something looks like it’s dying doesn’t mean it is. It’s natural for leaves to change color and fall, for plants to become dormant or hibernate completely because in that empty spaces, green shoots can come back up. New life can begin to grow again.
notes from the writer’s desk ✍️
my favorite recently pub’d pieces:
updates:
I’m thrilled to share that my TEDx talk, “The Power of Stories in Representing Our World” is now LIVE on YouTube! It would mean the world to me if you could watch, like, comment, and share with your classrooms, group chats, and everyone you know. Thank you for your support! Watch the talk here.
I’m so excited to announce that my debut children’s book has officially moved into production!! The book will spotlight past and present queer heroes from Latin America and the U.S. and is forthcoming from Jessica Kingsley Publishers in September 2025. More info and details to come soon! In the meantime, please read this thread I wrote about the project.
resources:
Looking for book recommendations? Check out my Bookstagram and TikTok to keep up with what I’m reading and loving right now! On TikTok, you’ll also get more snippets of my everyday writing life and lifestyle/fashion content. See you there!
other stories i’m loving 📖
currently reading:
The Holiday Trap by Roan Parrish
currently watching:
Bob’s Burgers S15
currently listening to:
“BMF” by SZA
all my love,
sofía xx