I Will Never Outgrow Imposter Syndrome - And Maybe That's Okay 👩💻✨
my thoughts on self-confidence, worth, & faith - welcome back to The Slush Pile!
Issue 20 of The Slush Pile is officially upon us, everyone! All the time but especially recently, I have been thinking about imposter syndrome and the role it has played in my life throughout the years. Last week, I was filming an episode of my IG Live podcast creativity café with special guest and dear friend Devi Sastry, and when we got to the topic of imposter syndrome and how it affects BIPOC writers, I came to the startling revelation that there hasn’t been a time in my life when I haven’t felt it to some degree. From the beginning of my career to yesterday, it’s something that I’ve found myself constantly living with, for better or for worse.
The interesting thing is that so often when we writers touch on this topic, our instinct is to ask, How do we overcome this feeling of inadequacy, insecurity, low self-worth and low self-confidence? How do we get rid of it? How do we outrun it? But instead, what if we asked, How do we live with this? How can we accept it without allowing it to overtake our lives? For me at least, I have this feeling that no matter how old I get or how many accomplishments and accolades I accrue, I will always experience imposter syndrome. It’s not something I can just “fix” or “outgrow,” especially as a BIPOC woman writer. So like a monster in the corner of the room, maybe it’s time I reclaim it and make it my own and allow it to fuel rather than take me down, along with my craft and creativity. Let me explain.
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For those of you who don’t know or who need a refresher, “imposter syndrome” is a term that refers to that gnawing feeling of inadequacy, self-doubt, and low self-esteem or confidence. A term first coined in corporate America, it is often felt by people who believe they don’t deserve their success or accomplishments, that they are actually mediocre and they’re just waiting to be exposed as a fraud. Whether or not they’re actually successful and accomplished (and these are weighted terms that have limited meanings under capitalism) is beside the point—in the face of imposter syndrome and other people’s successes, all of that falls away. I’ve experienced it most when I’m in a space without another BIPOC face in the room, when I’m the youngest in the room, when I’m the only woman in the room, when I feel tokenized and singled out. When I’m in spaces where I don’t believe I belong and that it’s only a matter of time before others realize that too.
In the writing world, especially on Twitter, I feel it all the time. In a previous newsletter, I wrote about my struggle with jealousy and comparing myself to other writers—while I am in a much better place mentally, I now understand that this was in fact the imposter syndrome talking, or perhaps coupled together with the jealousy. It wasn’t just the idea that I wanted other people’s successes and accolades; it was that I’d convinced myself even if I ever got there, I wouldn’t deserve it. That my own accomplishments meant nothing and compared to other folks, I would never measure up. That I really wasn’t as good of a writer as I thought I was.
It’s not a good feeling. It’s not a fun thing to go through. But the more I experience in the world and the further along I get in my career, I truly don’t think it’s something I will ever shake off. The thing writers don’t tell other people is that they could be at the top of their game—a published book, a movie or TV show deal, the coveted bylines and publications—but the fear of failure is a constant and so is reality.
I’ve known writers with multiple books on contract who admit to me that they haven’t a word in a month (exactly the same as writers who haven’t yet published a book), writers at big outlets with steady work who confess their anxiety and nervousness and stress. Myself, I procrastinate endlessly on creative projects I really care about because I love them so much that I don’t want to mess them up. I don’t want to embark on something that I end up being bad or failing at. So when I’m invited to speak/perform or go to conferences or people want to buy my books, sure it’s great, but there’s always that gnawing feeling that once I get there, everyone will realize I have nothing original or new or interesting to offer or say or do. Or even worse, I’ll be the only person with my identity/identities in the room and I’ll be forced to not only believe but prove to others that I do, in fact, belong there.
The thing is, we’re all struggling but we refuse to talk about it, which allows the community at large to feel like they’re the only ones feeling crappy about their work, their craft, and their productivity, leading to increased feelings of imposter syndrome, jealousy, inadequacy, comparison, and everything in between. There’s nothing wrong with celebrating our successes. In fact, I encourage and celebrate it! But if we don’t admit to our failures, if we don’t talk about the reality of how hard it is to be a writer, doesn’t that make the writing that much more isolating? Doesn’t that make us all frauds anyway?
Since I’ve started thinking more about imposter syndrome, I realize there are solutions to overcoming it short term and in the moment. I like to make sure to breathe, then acknowledge the feeling and determine if it’s going to incapacitate me for the time being or if I can move forward (both are valid)! From there, I either do what I need to do to take care of my mental health or focus on the important task at hand. In some cases, I even twist the twisted logic of imposter syndrome back on itself and ask, What would it take to prove that I deserve this, that I belong here? When I realize that there is no answer, it becomes clear that my being in the room is proof enough.
Long term, I’m learning to accept that imposter syndrome will always crop up in the moments I maybe wish it wouldn’t, again and again and again. Like I said, the point isn’t that I abolish it from my life completely. Rather, how can I make it something I can live with, that I acknowledge without giving it too much control? And in some cases, how can I use it as a motivator to keep up the good fight and do what I love despite my own insecurity? Because I don’t know about you, but my craft, my creativity, my stories, those are all things always worth fighting for.
notes from the writer’s desk ✍️
my favorite recently pub’d pieces:
17 Books by Queer Latinx Authors that Center LGBTQIA+ Experiences, HipLatina
Lorraine Avila’s Debut Novel Explores Brujería, Afro-Latina Girlhood, & Community, HipLatina
Q+A With Claire Jiménez, Author of ‘What Happened to Ruthy Ramirez’, LatinaMedia.Co
We May Resent Disney Remakes, But They Give Us the Best Music, Unpublished
updates:
Did you know I just opened my crochet shop Sofíe’s Yarn? We just dropped our summer launch featuring bandanas, hats, water bottle holders, charms, coasters, and bookmarks! 50% of proceeds go to helping my family start a lending library in my neighborhood, so I hope you’ll support a community while celebrating summer with us. Shop here!
Submissions for my magazine Mag 20/20 are now OPEN for Issue 06! We are looking for writing (all forms), art, music, photography, and hybrid work from creatives 20-29. Until the deadline on July 15th, your work will be considered by an incredible masthead of readers and editors, so be sure to get your submissions in soon. Submit here!
Since January, I’ve been hosting creativity café, an ig live series where i feature, create space, and hold conversation with writers I love and that you should too! The fourteenth episode will premiere next Friday and feature special guest writer Liz Marquez, so head to my Instagram to watch it then. See you there!
STREAMING SERVICE: season two, the sequel to my self-published debut poetry chapbook STREAMING SERVICE: golden shovels made for tv, IS NOW OUT! Digital and signed physical copies are available, as well as the option to bundle both chapbooks and receive a bookmark and sticker with every physical order! Order your copy today! Thank you as always for your support :’)
resources:
Looking for book recommendations? Check out my Bookstagram and TikTok to keep up with what I’m reading and loving right now! On TikTok, you’ll also get more snippets of my everyday writing life and lifestyle/fashion content. See you there!
I am now a media mentor for Tectonic Media! If you are a young/aspiring journalist, I am available for consultation and mentorship on a variety of topics. Learn more about my areas of specialty and how we can connect here.
other stories i’m loving 📖
currently reading:
Woman of Light by Kali Anstine-Fajardo
currently watching:
Bob’s Burgers, S3
currently listening to:
“girls like me don’t cry” by thuy
all my love,
sofía xx