What If I'm Not Living My Ideal Life? 🌿✨
my thoughts on goals, dreams & happiness - welcome back to The Slush Pile!
Since launching this newsletter, I’ve written a lot about my stress, anxiety, and painful low work-life experiences; so maybe the subject of this month’s Issue 07 shouldn’t be a surprise. Sure, I can’t lie and say that I’ve not had at least a few highs since last writing to you all. I released my second poetry chapbook STREAMING SERVICE: season two at the tail end of last month (which is still available to order!), have finished up or am working on several exciting writing projects, am currently judging my own writing contest (?!), and have found opportunities to stay social and engaged with the people I love and care about.
But at the same time, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that I’m, to put it mildly, unhappy. Without getting into the weeds of the details, I realized that I haven’t been living what I call “my ideal life,” the end goal that keeps me going even on my hardest days.
If I were honest with myself, my true “ideal life” is really a veiled fantasy. That fantastical future where I own a cottage in a meadow, drink tea, garden, make and sell my own honey and soap, write my silly little novels, read and reread books, and take care of my dog and cat, both of whom are named after Jane Austen characters. Where I venture to the local town every weekend for provisions and supplies, and to engage with my community during readings, farmer’s markets, free resource drives, and communal gatherings and themed nights. Maybe it’ll never happen but these kinds of dreams are my safe place, my escapism when everything in my real life feels completely unbearable.
On the other hand, in a slightly more attainable dream, I want to do what I’ve wanted since I was child: to tell stories and write books. To go on book tours and chat with readers and write the narratives that matter most to me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve interviewed authors and wanted the life and worries they had, how often I’ve scrolled on Twitter and seen mutuals announcing their book deals or cover art reveals or starred reviews or agent representation, and burned with so much jealousy I almost couldn’t breathe.
It’s a horrible, ugly feeling I’m not proud of, made worse by my insecurity and worthlessness that tells me I will never be good enough to reach those accomplishments myself. In my darkest moments, I live solely alongside the demons in my head, telling me that I will never become anyone or do anything notable and that everything I’ve ever done will be forgotten.
I know I’m only 22. I know I have so much life left to live to strive for the goals I’ve longed for all my life. I know my jealousy only lasts for a moment and is quickly replaced by immeasurable pride, support, and love for my fellow writers and all the amazing things they’re doing. I just wish that my current life allowed me more time for my writing so I could actually finish anything I wanted to. Instead, after a full work day, I find myself so tired that I can’t even find the energy to open a new document on my computer.
And that starts the horrid cycle in my head all over again—I’m never going to finish that book, I will be left with all these unfinished manuscripts at the end of my life, no one cares about my work, etc. etc. It also doesn’t help that I struggle to say no to requests or demands that are made of me and that, even if I don’t want to do it, I can’t come up with a valid excuse other than “I don’t want to” (which in itself should be a valid excuse). I don’t know how to quit or walk away, even from things that are causing me pain, discomfort, or unhappiness.
Deep down, I know it won’t get any easier if I ever do attain the ideal life I want (sans the perfect meadow fantasy). From my experiences talking to them, full-time authors experience that same insecurity and uncertainty I feel now, the same worries and fears about the importance of their work. That anxiety might never go away even if I do change the trajectory of what I do with my labor. But all I know is that I’m not happy and that has to change. And it has to start with me.
notes from the writer’s desk ✍️
my favorite recently pub’d pieces:
updates:
STREAMING SERVICE: season two, the sequel to my self-published debut poetry chapbook STREAMING SERVICE: golden shovels made for tv, IS NOW OUT! Digital and signed physical copies are available, as well as the option to bundle both chapbooks and receive a bookmark and sticker with every physical order! Order your copy today! Thank you as always for your support :’)
I will be hosting a launch party to celebrate the release of STREAMING SERVICE: season two on my Instagram Live with special guest poet Rosario Santiago - keep an eye on my Instagram and Twitter for more details! (I’ll also be hosting a golden shovel writing workshop later in the month - stay tuned!)
other stories i’m loving 📖
currently reading:
Ambrotypes by Amy Cipolla Barnes
currently watching:
Parks and Recreation S2
currently listening to:
“Soft” by Babygirl
all my love,
sofía xx