What it Means to Turns 25, or When a Girl Must Think About Turning A Quarter of a Century Old 🕰️✨
my thoughts on time, aging, & growing up - welcome back to The Slush Pile!
This past Tuesday, I officially turned 25 and my frontal cortex fully developed, just in time for Issue 35 of The Slush Pile! I don’t know if others feel this way but for me, aging has always been a funny thing. Even as a child, I always looked younger than I really was because of my short height, quiet demeanor, and young face, and people let me know about it. Especially strangers, like a dentist who once took out my wisdom teeth without anesthesia and, as if my pain and humiliation weren’t bad enough, thought I was 12 when I was really 18. Even in my worst moments, I never seemed to age.
This has followed me into adulthood as well. Just last weekend, someone at the library thought I was in high school and was incredibly surprised to hear my true age. Every time I order alcohol, I get asked for my ID without fail to the point that I’m not even interested in drinking anymore. Some days, I get referred to as “ma’am” and others I’m still ever constantly “miss.” The thing is, I always feel older than I really am because of my interests and hobbies like reading, crocheting, embroidery, and other crafts, all of which are stereotypically associated with older women. Not to mention the constant back pain, grumpiness, and nostalgia for how some things used to be (not “traditional values” but more so the peak of video rental stores and arcades). Most of the time, I feel like an imposter in my own skin, this person who confounds even the closest family members with how old I am, a reminder of how much time has really passed since birth, a pause in a stranger’s eyes as they weigh me against every other 20-something they know and make a decision about whether or not I’m actually telling the truth.
And ultimately, I never actually feel like the age I am until the moment I’m about to turn another year older and then I have to start the whole cycle all over again.
The thing is, I know some part of me should feel grateful. I’m not even sure what it is that makes me look so young (perhaps it’s this naivete), but I’m well aware of the pressure women and femmes face to not look their age. I see it every time a person praises a female celebrity for looking “so good for their age” even if they’re only in their 40s or 50s. Every time it’s clear they’re still active in the industry even though men can work until they die and no one praises them for achieving the bare minimum. We have turned the natural process of aging into a competition or something to delay as much as possible, which means that there are plenty of folks my age and older who would love to be in my position and look younger naturally.
And yet fear impacts me as I move through the world, particularly in public. I’ve found that because of how young I look, sometimes people will be impressed by all I’ve accomplished, while others view it as an opportunity to exploit or take advantage of me. As young as 12, I was stared at by grown men on the street while walking to school or going to a coffee shop. That hasn’t changed in the 13 years that I’ve been alive since then no matter what I wear or how I choose to present myself that day. Whenever people ask me how old I am, I always stiffen up, wondering why and what they could possibly want from me. It’s frightening sometimes to be someone who looks like me, knowing that the conversation could turn in a way that I don’t want. Especially as a person of color, there’s a higher risk of violence and definitely a higher likelihood of being victim to a racially charged microaggression.
And yet, every time I talk about these anxieties, I’m reminded that there are people who probably have it worse than me, who are often considered much older and have to fight against this need to adultify us. And maybe there will be a day when I’m sad that I’m not longer assumed to be younger, like every time someone calls me “ma’am” in public, even if they’re not sure, even if they don’t quite believe themselves but there’s no other word to refer to someone who presents as female in the world. When I’m no longer asked for my ID at a bar.
Then again, perhaps that will be a sign that I’m finally settling into myself. That my mind and body are finally catching up with each other. That I’ll reach a point when the individual years blur together and how old I am is both a point of pride and also something that doesn’t really matter. Because we’re changing all the time, even in the course of a single year. Who I am isn’t quite who I was two months ago or a year ago or yesterday. In this moment, when I think about the next chapter of my life, I’m looking forward to achieving more goals, making special memories, meeting new wonderful community members, and embracing changes in the world and in the world. Because there really is nothing quite like the undoing and getting to know yourself again.
notes from the writer’s desk ✍️
my favorite recently pub’d pieces:
updates:
I’m thrilled to finally share that this September, I’ll be giving my first talk on the TEDx stage in Huntington Beach!! I literally can’t wait for September 28th to speak about diversity, representation, and written storytelling. And guess what - tickets were just made available today! You can purchase yours via this link. See you there!
I’m so excited to announce the upcoming publication of my debut children’s book!! The book will spotlight past and present queer heroes from Latin America and the U.S. and is forthcoming from Jessica Kingsley Publishers in September 2025. More info and details to come soon! In the meantime, please read this thread I wrote about the project.
resources:
Looking for book recommendations? Check out my Bookstagram and TikTok to keep up with what I’m reading and loving right now! On TikTok, you’ll also get more snippets of my everyday writing life and lifestyle/fashion content. See you there!
other stories i’m loving 📖
currently reading:
The Borrower by Rebecca Makkai
currently watching:
Parks and Recreation, S2
currently listening to:
“Adore U” by Khalid
all my love,
sofía xx
Happy birthday!!